December 2007

Please set me straight then. Because I just would rather not be here. I’m tired.

I know how this looks, re posting my own desperate pitiful comments for someone to notice, but I don’t care. I guess I need someone to notice. First let me make something clear, while I am depressed, and considering a way to disappear, which I have never considered more seriously than now, I would not want to give the wrong impression to the theists out there. My dispare has nothing to do with the fact that I do not believe in any religions god. I was raised Mormon, but I have come to my senses. It has been more than 4 yrs since I learned the Mormon church is not true and I could not be happier about it. After I was convinced of that, I looked deeper into religion in general and found that it is all manmade. Since then it seems I have been using this new quest for knowledge as a kind of distraction from my life, I have been on a constant search for more information. Now, I do not discount the possibility of some kind of creator, but I find it highly unlikely at this point in my research and I completely agree with evolution and science, it makes the most sense to me.

I will get back to the reason I posted in the first place. I have struggled with depression for about 10 yrs. I have tried numerous drugs and herbal remedies, I either had terrible side effects or they did nothing for me and I still suffer. I tried losing weight and exercising, lost 75 lbs and ate right and took vitamins and even went organic, this seemed like it was helping a little, but the bad days kept coming back. Before I became atheist, I would go through my bouts of wanting to disappear but believed I would have to remain in this world unless I died accidentally, I was taught that committing suicide would send me to an eternal hell of the same torture I was going through on earth. I was afraid of death and what punishment was waiting for me because of my ungrateful unhappiness. How could I be so unhappy when I had a loving family, kids and a home, it did not makes sense to me. Why could other people be fine and seem to cope when my world was secretly falling apart?

It was not fair. I still do not understand. I am tired. There is too much to do, to many people relying on me, I cant do it. Now that I know there is no hell, no eternal punishment or “outer darkness” as the Mormons like to call it, I am no longer afraid of death. This is at the same time liberating and scary to me because actually going through with it is now an option in my mind. I struggle with the thought of leaving behind my family knowing how terrible it would be for them, but I can also toss those worries aside knowing that I will cease to exist and be oblivious to it all. I know how selfish that sounds. I know how angry that will make most people to read, but they do not understand… I hurt, I hurt so deep down and immensely I can feel actual pain, it makes my stomach hurt, gives me headaches and muscle pain and I am not allowed to show it, I have to go on with my day to day life trying to smile for my kids and go to work like everything is ok, but its not. I don’t want to do it anymore, I don’t want to be responsible for everyone more, I don’t want this burden, I cant take it. Yes they will hurt, but they wouldn’t be the first people to have to deal with death and their lives will change but they will be ok. Some days are worse than others but even the good days aren’t that good. A person should not have to force themselves to fake enjoyment of the simple things like watching their kids play, or a good movie, or anything! Why do I not feel anything good? I find myself trying to think of a way to make it look like an accident so they would not think it was their fault, because it is not. I do not know if I will ever go through with it, but it is always in my thoughts. I hear it running through my mind, “I just want to disappear”.

Yours is the most starkly serious correspondence I’ve received through this site. I’m not a counselor or psychiatrist or any such thing, so I don’t know how much help I can be. All I can do is share my thoughts.

I guess the obvious thing to do would be to say that you should live because your dying would harm those around you. But that would just be putting more responsibility on your shoulders, wouldn’t it? So let’s just think about you for the moment.

You’re right that you shouldn’t have to pretend to be happy. Hiding your real feelings will eat at you and only make things worse — I assume you’ve already discovered this. So don’t hide it. Don’t pretend. I don’t mean that you should lose control, but don’t put on a play for the benefit of your family. Let it out. Let them help. Do things for you. Do what you want. Get what you need. And make your family part of the process. If there is no God then all we have is each other. You’ve got to use what you have.

And you can do more. You’re not the only person who feels like you do. Maybe, by moving forward, you could help some of these others. Writing to me, letting me put your feelings on my blog, may be a step in that direction.

Your writing is excellent; you convey your feelings well in print. Could you do more of that? Could you blog anonymously about your feelings; let things out through a keyboard? Don’t ask for comments. Don’t pay attention to how much you are read. Just put it all down. Show the world that you can survive in the face of this seemingly insurmountable obstacle. At some point in time you will be read by someone — or many someones — who feel that they are alone, and you may inspire them to push through or get help. You may even be able to warn them away from dark paths that you have taken and treatments you found ineffective. You will make the world a better place.

If not a blog, then what about some kind of group counseling? Or online forums? Or even letters to the newspaper? Share what you have. Use what you have. Help others while helping yourself. But keep in mind that, when you get right down to it, this is about making you feel better.

Remember this: you are the only “you” that there is. Nobody could ever take your place. When you are gone, there will be a hole left behind, and it is up to you to decide what that hole will be filled with. You could leave it unfilled, a gap in the world, an empty thing. Or you could leave it filled with light, something that will brighten the world around it for years to come. I guarantee that suicide, no matter how well planned, can leave nothing but emptiness behind.

[Personal note deleted for blog posting]

I’ll be thinking about you.

Posted on December 27, 2007 at 9:19 pm by ideclare · Permalink
In: Atheists' problems, Help, Personal account

3 Responses

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  1. Written by Marc
    on December 27, 2007 at 8:59 am
    Reply · Permalink

    I trust that you will not take offense, so I will ask:

    Have you tried the NEWER anti-depressant drugs?

    Have you given each anti-depressant the 4 – 6 weeks that they need to do their job ?

    Was your dosage adjusted toward the maximum allowable when results were insufficient ?

  2. Written by Marc
    on December 27, 2007 at 9:07 am
    Reply · Permalink

    I believe that I am uniquely qualified to ask what I have asked.

    I am a retired clinical psychologist who has suffered from a half-century of severe chronic depression, that included a frank suicide attempt.

    It took me decades to find the medication that worked with MY particular neurochemistry.

    I have been depression-free for 17 years; withstanding divorce, physical disability with chronic pain, and the death of my only child from an overdose of MY painkillers.

  3. Written by charity
    on September 15, 2008 at 8:53 pm
    Reply · Permalink

    Omg. I just want to cry. I remember feeling this way. I went through postpartum, and I had never felt so low in my entire life. Compared to now, it was like I entered another dimension of reality. Its kind of fuzzy to remember, I guess I dont like the pain of remembering. But I had at one time made a suicide pact with my lil sis, that before we tried to “off” ourselves we would search to the ends of the world for happiness. I am now five years past the depression, but what kept me in it for so long was my fear of leaving my child to go to the hospital. I got to the point that one way or another I was terrified I would leave my child anyway, and leaving to get better was better than leaving to die. Their was nothing other than the extreme ( a trip to the hospital) to grip me and pull me out of it. My best friend didn’t even recognize me when I came out…a lot of people didn’t, because I was happy. It wasn’t an “immediate save” but life slowly became more bearable, and then very suddenly one day shortly after my hospital stay the pain stopped. I was only in for a week (because I was voluntary I could go home whenever I wanted to ) and then I did outpatient hospitalization (which was basically a day long therapy group session) and it changed my life dramatically. I see soooo many similarities, between my story and yours. I, like you, dwelt in existentialism. Now I know NOT to do that unless I feel emotionally “ok”. Whatever you need to do to get help, DO IT. Because anything would be better than killing yourself, and leaving your babies to raise themselves. Don’t give up before you have given life a fair chance, and don’t quit until you start to see color again. I know it sounds strange but it really is like existing in two worlds. You CAN get back to the reality of “good” but you have to take that first step to save yourself. Be your own savior.

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