Five Tips on How to Spot an Atheist

1. Usually Atheists are pale of skin. They spend a lot of times indoors, because they are afraid to come outside. They believe the preposterous lie that Christians are trying to kill them, when in fact, all that we really want to do is force a quick conversion or to kindly place them in a maximum security prison for their own protection from devout Christians who may try to kill them. Many Atheists will try to throw you off by spending time absorbing carcinogens in tanning beds, so it important to remember in hunting Atheists that many, if not most, have very dark skin, too. CAUTION: Do not confuse these artificially dark folks with genuine Negroes. Real Coloreds need to be watched carefully around anything of value, but do not need to be brought to the Lord, as they all unblinkingly accepted Jesus as their loving God during Biblically-sanctioned slavery.
2. Atheists are overweight. The stereotypes of typical Atheists are the trim, granola cruncher who jogs and plays racquetball or the vain hedonist, party-goer who worships only her full-length mirror, Recent studies have shown, however, that Atheists have become aware of these signifiers of their lack of faith. In order to blend in undetected with evangelical Christians, most Atheists now tend to be morbidly obese and will tell you, whether asked or not, that their enormous girth is the result of an undetectable thyroid condition and not the box of Little Debbie cakes they are holding.
3. Atheists have too many university diplomas! These folks are chock full of secular knowledge. They toss the Bible aside in favor of so-called, “research” and “theories.” They spend their days studying and trying to gather facts and data to support their ridiculous scientific theories, such as evolution and gravity. Don’t let it fool you, Christian Brothers and Sisters! All the secular knowledge in the world can’t disprove that the reason we are all here today was because Eve got some bad advice from a talking snake! Atheists are too full of their silly “logic” to understand that only blind faith leads to sighted Truth. Why, the homo-lovers in England have already accepted that most scientists are naturally Atheists. Don’t let it happen in America! Report your Biology professor – or any so-called teacher who pollutes the soul with extraneous (non-Biblical) information — to the local authorities before he recruits your child!
4. Atheists Deceive! Atheists go under many different names, but they don’t have the common sense to align themselves yet! Use this to your advantage in reporting them to the police! They call themselves, “humanists, agnostics, secular-humanists, moral relativists, Catholics, free-thinkers, undecided, Unitarians, and more recently, Brights.” It is important to note that anyone who has a post-graduate degree or is interested in getting a post-graduate degree, is suspect! Also be warned, Wiccans , Vegans, Yogists, and readers of science fiction are either Atheists or on the road to becoming an Atheist. Our job as True Christians™ is to use this loophole of time under the current Bush Administration to get as many of these God-haters arrested as we can before they do more damage to our country than they already have.
5. Atheists are afraid! Even though there are as many as 300 active Atheists in the United States, we can safely assume that if recent polls are correct, most Atheists are afraid to come out and say what they don’t believe. It’s your job to pull it out of them. Put them on the spot. Hound them at restaurants and on cruise ships. Don’t take “I’d rather not talk about religion” as a answer. Give them one last chance to save their sorry souls. Then, call the police!

A story, probably untrue, starts with LaPlace showing his newly printed System of the World to Napoleon. Having perused its table of contents, the most powerful man in Europe demands to know where God enters in. To which the cosmologist calmly replies, “I had no need of that hypothesis.”

Nietzsche referred to himself as an “anti-metaphysician.” Atheism, he claimed, never was a problem for him since “God” was too gross an answer — “God” was merely “a prohibition against thinking.”

Perhaps, another word would also do. To be precise I use one long word, I’m a complete “anti-supernaturalist.” One who opposes any doctrine of any supernatural realm, whether of Platonic ideas, Aristotelian entelechies, gods, demons, spirits, minds, karma, or reincarnation.

We godless anti-supernaturalists accept only one world. The world we call *nature*.

Religions belong to cultures embedded in nature. And *cultures* are our distinctive human-all-too-human handiwork. Religions are obsolete, dispensable cultural artifacts. They are empirically false, morally discredited, divisive and harmful fictions.

Note: Ted Honerich. Oxford Guide Philosophy 2ed 2005 has been remaindered — I found some copies at Borders for $10.

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