Bacon of the Bible

I usually don’t post things I find funny on this blog, but I’ve been up late performing the final touches on my philosophy book (due out at the end of October) and in my overtired state had a thought: what if you chose one word in the Bible and changed every occurrence of that word to the word “bacon”?

For example, here’s Psalm 23:4:

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

If every instance of the word “shadow” in the Bible was changed to “bacon,” the Psalm would become:

Even though I walk through the valley of the bacon of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Or if “death” -> “bacon”:

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of bacon, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

And you get a very different more bacon-positive meaning with “staff” -> “bacon”:

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your bacon, they comfort me.

As a bonus, that substitution also gives us:

Exodus 12:11: And thus shall ye eat it; with your loins girded, your shoes on your feet, and your bacon in your hand; and ye shall eat it in haste: it is the Lord’s passover.

Get the idea?

Here are a few other possibilities.

“locusts” -> “bacon”

Exodus 10:13: And Moses stretched forth his rod over the land of Egypt, and the Lord brought an east wind upon the land all that day, and all that night; and when it was morning, the east wind brought the bacon;

Mark 1:6: And John was clothed with camel’s hair, and with a girdle of a skin about his loins; and he did eat bacon and wild honey;

Revelation 9:3: And there came out of the smoke bacon upon the earth: and unto them was given power, as the scorpions of the earth have power.

If we want to make a statement about general health, how about “Lord” -> “bacon”

Exodus 11:10: And Moses and Aaron did all these wonders before Pharaoh: and the bacon hardened Pharaoh’s heart, so that he would not let the children of Israel go out of his land.

Finally, just to be obvious: “God” -> “bacon”

Genesis 1:1: In the beginning bacon created the heaven and the earth.

Genesis 28:12: And he dreamed, and behold a ladder set up on the earth, and the top of it reached to heaven: and behold the angels of bacon ascending and descending on it.

Genesis 41:51: And Joseph called the name of the firstborn Manasseh: For bacon, said he, hath made me forget all my toil, and all my father’s house.

Leviticus 2:13: And every oblation of thy meat offering shalt thou season with salt; neither shalt thou suffer the salt of the covenant of thy bacon to be lacking from thy meat offering: with all thine offerings thou shalt offer salt.

Judges 13:22: And Manoah said unto his wife, We shall surely die, because we have seen bacon.

Job 34:9: For he hath said, It profiteth a man nothing that he should delight himself with bacon.

Luke 1:64: And his mouth was opened immediately, and his tongue loosed, and he spake, and praised bacon.

Luke 4:4: And Jesus answered him, saying, It is written, That man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word of bacon.

Other suggestions? Put them in the comments!

Posted on September 11, 2009 at 1:10 pm by ideclare · Permalink
In: Funny · Tagged with: 

17 Responses

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  1. Written by Peatabear
    on September 11, 2009 at 1:39 pm
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    salt -> bacon

    Genesis 1926 But his wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of bacon.

    Leviticus 213 And every oblation of thy meat offering shalt thou season with bacon; neither shalt thou suffer the bacon of the covenant of thy God to be lacking from thy meat offering with all thine offerings thou shalt offer bacon.

    Job 66 Can that which is unsavoury be eaten without bacon? or is there any taste in the white of an egg?

    Matthew 513 Ye are the bacon of the earth but if the bacon have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be baconed? it is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of men.

    James 312 Can the fig tree, my brethren, bear olive berries? either a vine, figs? so can no fountain both yield bacon water and fresh.

  2. Written by Jesus himself
    on September 11, 2009 at 1:40 pm
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    child to bacon. Some of these actually make sense!

    Genesis 11:30: But Sarai was barren; she had no bacon.

    1 Samuel 1:25: And they slew a bullock, and brought the bacon to Eli.

    2 Kings 5:14: Then went he down, and dipped himself seven times in Jordan, according to the saying of the man of God: and his flesh came again like unto the flesh of a little bacon, and he was clean.

    Isaiah 11:6: The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid; and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little bacon shall lead them.

    Matthew 17:18: And Jesus rebuked the devil; and he departed out of him: and the bacon was cured from that very hour.

    Luke 1:59: And it came to pass, that on the eighth day they came to circumcise the bacon; and they called him Zacharias, after the name of his father.

    1 Corinthians 13:11: When I was a bacon, I spake as a bacon, I understood as a bacon, I thought as a bacon: but when I became a man, I put away baconish things.

    Is “spare the rod, spoil the bacon” in the Bible? I can’t find it.

  3. Written by fakename
    on September 11, 2009 at 2:07 pm
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    Devil -> bacon

    Luke 4:33
    And in the synagogue there was a man, which had a spirit of an unclean bacon, and cried out with a loud voice,

    Matthew 11:18
    For John came neither eating nor drinking, and they say, He hath a bacon.

  4. Written by fakename
    on September 11, 2009 at 2:07 pm
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    Mother -> bacon

    Exodus 20:12
    Honour thy father and thy bacon: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.

    Leviticus 20:14
    And if a man take a wife and her bacon, it is wickedness: they shall be burnt with fire, both he and they; that there be no wickedness among you.

  5. Written by Dan
    on September 11, 2009 at 2:24 pm
    Reply · Permalink

    man -> bacon

    Luke 12:7: But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than bacony sparrows.

    Genesis 1:26: And God said, Let us make bacon in our image, after our likeness

    Leviticus 16:17: And there shall be no bacon in the tabernacle of the congregation when he goeth in to make an atonement in the holy place

    Judges 21:11: And this is the thing that ye shall do, Ye shall utterly destroy every male, and every woman that hath lain by bacon.

  6. Written by anonymous
    on September 11, 2009 at 2:28 pm
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    Leprosy

    Leviticus 14:57
    To teach when it is unclean, and when it is clean: this is the law of bacon.

    Leviticus 13:9
    When the plague of bacon is in a man, then he shall be brought unto the priest;

    Matthew 8:3
    And Jesus put forth his hand, and touched him, saying, I will; be thou clean. And immediately his bacon was cleansed.

  7. Written by Luke
    on September 11, 2009 at 2:41 pm
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    body -> bacon

    Mark 14:22
    And as they were eating, Jesus took bread, blessed and broke it, and gave it to them and said, “Take, eat; this is My bacon.”

    Matthew 14:12
    Then his disciples came and took away the bacon and buried it, and went and told Jesus.

    Mark 14:51
    Now a certain young man followed Him, having a linen cloth thrown around his naked bacon.

    Leviticus 22:6
    the person who has touched any such thing shall be unclean until evening, and shall not eat the holy offerings unless he washes his bacon with water.

    Luke 17:37
    So He said to them, “Wherever the bacon is, there the eagles will be gathered together.”

  8. Written by sunny4sarah
    on September 11, 2009 at 2:45 pm
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    Revelation 13:18 Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the bacon of the beast: for it is the bacon of a man; and his bacon is Six hundred threescore and six.

  9. Written by Smyth
    on September 11, 2009 at 2:47 pm
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    Ten to Bacon

    Exodus 34:28
    And he was there with the LORD forty days and forty nights; he did neither eat bread, nor drink water. And he wrote upon the tables the words of the covenant, the bacon commandments.

    Genesis 18:32
    And he said, Oh let not the LORD be angry, and I will speak yet but this once: Peradventure bacon shall be found there. And he said, I will not destroy it for bacon’s sake.

    Exodus 27:12
    And for the breadth of the court on the west side shall be hangings of fifty cubits: their pillars bacon, and their sockets bacon.

  10. Written by Paula
    on September 11, 2009 at 2:59 pm
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    Turning serpents into bacon (it’s a miracle!!)

    Numbers 21:6
    And the LORD sent fiery bacon among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.

    Matthew 10:16
    Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as bacon, and harmless as doves.

  11. Written by Ax
    on September 11, 2009 at 3:05 pm
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    Salt

    Matthew 5:13 – “You are the bacon of the earth. But if the bacon loses its baconiness, how can it be made bacon again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men.

  12. Written by PennJ
    on September 11, 2009 at 3:22 pm
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    Food – Bacon

    Genesis 41:54
    and the seven years of famine began, just as Joseph had said. There was famine in all the other lands, but in the whole land of Egypt there was bacon.

    Genesis 44:1
    Now Joseph gave these instructions to the steward of his house: “Fill the men’s sacks with as much bacon as they can carry, and put each man’s silver in the mouth of his sack.

    Revelation 2:14
    Nevertheless, I have a few things against you: You have people there who hold to the teaching of Balaam, who taught Balak to entice the Israelites to sin by eating bacon sacrificed to idols and by committing sexual immorality.

    John 6:27
    Do not work for bacon that spoils, but for bacon that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you.

    John 6:55
    For my flesh is real bacon and my blood is real drink.

    Romans 14:20
    Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of bacon.

  13. Written by godless heathen
    on September 11, 2009 at 3:29 pm
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    immorality -> bacon

    Jeremiah 3:9: Because Israel’s bacon mattered so little to her, she defiled the land and committed adultery with stone and wood.

    Acts 21:25: As for the Gentile believers, we have written to them our decision that they should abstain from food sacrificed to idols, from blood, from the meat of strangled animals and from sexual bacon.

    Jude 1:4: They are godless men, who change the grace of our God into a license for bacon and deny Jesus Christ our only Sovereign and Lord.

    1 Corinthians 7:2: But since there is so much bacon, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.

  14. Written by doofus
    on September 11, 2009 at 6:34 pm
    Reply · Permalink

    John 11:35, Bacon wept.

  15. Written by Jules
    on September 15, 2009 at 2:38 pm
    Reply · Permalink

    Ezekiel 25:17: The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his bacon’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my bacon. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.

  16. Written by anonymos
    on September 15, 2009 at 2:40 pm
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    Mark 12:42: Then one poor widow came and threw in bacon mites

  17. Written by Ann Atheist
    on September 15, 2009 at 2:45 pm
    Reply · Permalink

    life

    Genesis 2:7
    And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of bacon; and man became a living being.

    Genesis 3:24
    So He drove out the man; and He placed cherubim at the east of the garden of Eden, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to guard the way to the tree of bacon.

    1 Kings 1:12
    Come, please, let me now give you advice, that you may save your own bacon and the bacon of your son Solomon.

    Psalm 31:13
    For I hear the slander of many;Fear is on every side; While they take counsel together against me, They scheme to take away my bacon.

    Psalm 35:17
    Lord, how long will You look on? Rescue me from their destructions, My precious bacon from the lions.

    Proverbs 10:16
    The labor of the righteous leads to bacon, The wages of the wicked to sin.

    John 10:28
    And I give them eternal bacon, and they shall never perish; neither shall anyone snatch them out of My hand.

    John 14:6
    Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the bacon. No one comes to the Father except through Me.

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