Bacon of the Bible
I usually don’t post things I find funny on this blog, but I’ve been up late performing the final touches on my philosophy book (due out at the end of October) and in my overtired state had a thought: what if you chose one word in the Bible and changed every occurrence of that word to the word “bacon”?
For example, here’s Psalm 23:4:
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
If every instance of the word “shadow” in the Bible was changed to “bacon,” the Psalm would become:
Even though I walk through the valley of the bacon of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
Or if “death” -> “bacon”:
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of bacon, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
And you get a very different more bacon-positive meaning with “staff” -> “bacon”:
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your bacon, they comfort me.
As a bonus, that substitution also gives us:
Exodus 12:11: And thus shall ye eat it; with your loins girded, your shoes on your feet, and your bacon in your hand; and ye shall eat it in haste: it is the Lord’s passover.
Get the idea?
Here are a few other possibilities.
“locusts” -> “bacon”
Exodus 10:13: And Moses stretched forth his rod over the land of Egypt, and the Lord brought an east wind upon the land all that day, and all that night; and when it was morning, the east wind brought the bacon;
Mark 1:6: And John was clothed with camel’s hair, and with a girdle of a skin about his loins; and he did eat bacon and wild honey;
Revelation 9:3: And there came out of the smoke bacon upon the earth: and unto them was given power, as the scorpions of the earth have power.
If we want to make a statement about general health, how about “Lord” -> “bacon”
Exodus 11:10: And Moses and Aaron did all these wonders before Pharaoh: and the bacon hardened Pharaoh’s heart, so that he would not let the children of Israel go out of his land.
Finally, just to be obvious: “God” -> “bacon”
Genesis 1:1: In the beginning bacon created the heaven and the earth.
Genesis 28:12: And he dreamed, and behold a ladder set up on the earth, and the top of it reached to heaven: and behold the angels of bacon ascending and descending on it.
Genesis 41:51: And Joseph called the name of the firstborn Manasseh: For bacon, said he, hath made me forget all my toil, and all my father’s house.
Leviticus 2:13: And every oblation of thy meat offering shalt thou season with salt; neither shalt thou suffer the salt of the covenant of thy bacon to be lacking from thy meat offering: with all thine offerings thou shalt offer salt.
Judges 13:22: And Manoah said unto his wife, We shall surely die, because we have seen bacon.
Job 34:9: For he hath said, It profiteth a man nothing that he should delight himself with bacon.
Luke 1:64: And his mouth was opened immediately, and his tongue loosed, and he spake, and praised bacon.
Luke 4:4: And Jesus answered him, saying, It is written, That man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word of bacon.
Other suggestions? Put them in the comments!