Unexpurgated atheist FAQ

I’m still quite short on time an unable to post to this blog regularly, but in honor of the holiday I thought I’d offer brief answers to a few questions that I (and many other atheists) are commonly asked. Although these are my personal answers, I am confident that I speak for all atheist everywhere. Enjoy!

Why do atheists hate Christians?

Because atheists hate everyone.

Do atheists worship Satan?

Atheists don’t worship Satan — we don’t worship anyone. Rather, atheists say that we “have a close, personal relationship” with Satan. To us, he’s less like a leader or deity and more like a neighbor that we wave to in the morning.

If there is no God, why be moral?

Exactly.

If there is no God, then where does your conscience come from?

What conscience?

Without God, who is to say what is right and what is wrong?

Me. I have a blog for that and everything.

Isn’t it depressing to think that there is no great plan to the universe?

You have no idea how depressing it is. We can only imagine the joy that religious people must feel about, for example, their children. To us, kids are just an expensive, noisy biological consequence that will end up wrecking the car, dating some loser with a trashy tattoo, and, ultimately, blowing their inheritance. Sunsets? Flowers? To atheists, they’re no more than a random collection of atoms. Sometimes at night we lie awake in bed, unable to sleep, trying to picture how religious people feel when they say they are experiencing “beauty” or find a pristine landscape “awesome.”

If there is no God, what is the purpose of life?

Sex. Maybe bacon. Definitely chocolate.

Can you prove that God doesn’t exist.

The third derivative of the Bayers solution to the derivation of Fermat’s last theorem proves with mathematical precision that not only the Christian God but also any monotheistic, triune, or polytheistic supernatural deity cannot possibly coexist with reality. The equations are all over the Web and I couldn’t better the explanations given by others, so I won’t bother reproducing them here.

Why won’t you accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior?

Because every atheist has had some bad experience that made us reject God, even though we know deep in our hearts that He really exists. Plus, if we become Christians then we can’t live the amazing, pleasure-centered, hedonistic lifestyle to which we have become accustomed.

Jesus was either a liar, a lunatic, or the Lord. He wasn’t a liar or a lunatic, so he was obviously the Lord. How can you refute this?

By choosing “lunatic.”

Why won’t you read the Bible and see its truth for yourself?

We’re afraid that the Bible might contain arguments for the existence of God so compelling and unassailable that if we encountered them we would have to change our beliefs, which we don’t want to do under any circumstances. Also, we hear that parts of it are boring and/or weird.

The resurrection is proof that Jesus was God. How can you deny the evidence of the Gospels?

As an atheist, I don’t believe anything I read.

If the Bible is a lie, then why would so many people have allowed themselves to become martyrs for a lie?

I assume it’s because they were a bunch of morons.

If the Bible is false, then how do you explain the thousands of predictions it contains that came true?

This doesn’t have to be the work of God. Maybe the Bible was written by super-intelligent aliens or massively precognitive goatherds or something.

What does the atheist position have to offer that religion does not?

Atheism offers absolute certainty. We don’t have to make decisions about tough questions like good vs. evil or what is/isn’t a sin. If there’s something we don’t know, we have faith that science will come up with an answer, and if it doesn’t have an answer, then either it will have an answer some day or it’s all part of a great scientific pattern that we are just too ignorant to understand.

How can you be an atheist when religion leads to charity and goodness but atheism (as practiced by Hitler, Stalin, Mao, etc.) has killed more people than any other belief system in history?

You say that atheism has killed millions as if it’s a bad thing. We’re actually kind of proud of that.

If there is no Heaven, then where does your soul go when you die?

No place. It’s trapped in your rotting corpse, screaming for release with no one to hear.

How can there be justice without divine punishment in the afterlife?

There really can’t. That’s why atheists are strong proponents of posthumous punishment of wrongdoers (putting corpses in prison, making dead bodies do community service, etc.)

You have faith in science, so why do you disparage those who have faith in God?

We have no intelligent, coherent arguments against the religious point of view, so all we can do is make fun of it.

Doesn’t the “Big Bang” theory completely agree with the Biblical account of God creating the universe?

Yes, but we don’t like to talk about that.

How can everything come from nothing?

By science.

If people evolved from monkeys, why are there still monkeys?

You know, I never thought of that. It’s a good question. In fact, come to think of it, an all-powerful omniscient personal deity really does make a lot more sense than only some monkeys evolving into people. (I’m going to have to get back to you on this.)

America is a Christian nation — it’s printed on our money and everything. If you don’t love God, why don’t you get out?

I can’t leave America — this is where all my stuff is.

Posted on April 1, 2010 at 9:45 am by ideclare · Permalink
In: Funny · Tagged with: 

27 Responses

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  1. Written by Patch
    on April 1, 2010 at 12:23 pm
    Reply · Permalink

    100% correct. I really hope those religious nuts don’t think this is a joke just because it was posted on April 1st.

  2. Written by spleeness
    on April 1, 2010 at 3:06 pm
    Reply · Permalink

    I can’t decide which one I like best. Freaking awesome. :)

  3. Written by Anonymous
    on April 1, 2010 at 6:20 pm
    Reply · Permalink

    This is exactly the kind of thing that gives us real atheists a bad name.

    • Written by ideclare
      on April 1, 2010 at 7:02 pm
      Reply · Permalink

      >> This is exactly the kind of thing that gives us real atheists a bad name. <<

      What — having a sense of humor?

  4. Written by kosmofilo
    on April 2, 2010 at 12:28 am
    Reply · Permalink

    Happy Zombies Day! http://i.imgur.com/B2NI1.jpg

  5. Written by Andy
    on April 2, 2010 at 4:11 am
    Reply · Permalink

    Hysterical. :-)

  6. Written by Shelly
    on April 2, 2010 at 4:32 am
    Reply · Permalink

    Funny stuff!

  7. Written by ideclare
    on April 2, 2010 at 10:21 am
    Reply · Permalink

    Bonus FAQ

    Q: If there is no God, then how do you know that some things, like having sex with animals, are immoral?

    A: Atheists worship Darwin, and bestiality makes Darwin cry.

  8. Written by Dan
    on April 2, 2010 at 10:52 am
    Reply · Permalink

    Kudos on a wonderfully crafted post. Also, let me congratulate you on being the recipient of Google ad ironic gold. From the sidebar of your blog, a pair of scrubbed, waspy-looking and doubtlessly abstinent youths representing “Mid-America Christian University” begged me to “click here to learn more.” I have no way of attaching an image to this comment, so I’ve posted it here:
    http://spleen-me.com/blog/?p=1900

  9. Written by Dan Greenspan’s Blog » Ironic Google Ad Placement
    on April 2, 2010 at 10:53 am
    Reply · Permalink

    [...] love when this happens.  On the sidebar of the unexpergated-atheist-faq I witnessed the [...]

  10. Written by Zach
    on April 5, 2010 at 7:50 pm
    Reply · Permalink

    These were very funny, however: save them for the main part of your website. This is one of the few places that I’ve found where one can find an intelligent, nuanced discussion of religious themes anywhere on the web, and I like to be able to direct my religious friends to your blog so that they can see the opposing side of view. I understand that it’s April Fools and you want to be funny, and it was funny, but it takes away from the rest of the blog.

  11. Written by Kathleen
    on April 6, 2010 at 4:13 pm
    Reply · Permalink

    thank you thank you thank you for a good deep belly laugh. I was only going to read a few and found myself having to go on to the next and the next. I Found this site via “stumble” and will save it to my favs for future site-seeing. I have forwarded your blog onto my friends at Freethinkers of Northern Colorado so they can enjoy you also.

  12. Written by Christian Triand
    on May 10, 2010 at 2:18 am
    Reply · Permalink

    Zach my man, I feel with a high level of certainty that your religious friends will be able to appreciate this humor as well.

    No sarcasm intended, my honest opinion at work.

    Suggestion: don’t hide this, it’s funny!

  13. Written by Katja
    on May 24, 2010 at 9:01 am
    Reply · Permalink

    This really made me laugh, especially the part about the soul. Great post and amazing blog :)

  14. Written by Sherrie
    on June 25, 2010 at 10:31 pm
    Reply · Permalink

    very amusing…. I am a Christian and yes I found it funny. Unsettling certainly but never the less humourous :) God Bless you All :D LOL

  15. Written by Barbara
    on August 1, 2010 at 7:58 pm
    Reply · Permalink

    Mmmm… I’m glad this was posted on April 1st. I think I could ask way better questions :)

  16. Written by Robin
    on September 10, 2010 at 1:25 pm
    Reply · Permalink

    The answers to “Isn’t it depressing to think that there is no great plan to the universe?” and “If people evolved from monkeys, why are there still monkeys?” are not only hilarious, but could actually be deployed when in a real debate to make others see the point.

    Everything else was funny, too. Thanks a lot.

  17. Written by Erik
    on September 30, 2010 at 7:56 am
    Reply · Permalink

    Hilarious stuff. I stumbled across this thru random clicking and didn’t at first realize that it was a humorous post. I’m a few questions in, thinking “WOW, this person’s dumb”, when I realize that I’m the one a wee bit slow. Great stuff.

  18. Written by Erik
    on September 30, 2010 at 7:57 am
    Reply · Permalink

    Clarification: I was under the impression that this was an anti-atheist posting made by a less than insightfull christian.

  19. Written by AnonymousToo
    on October 10, 2010 at 8:03 pm
    Reply · Permalink

    This isn’t exactly the most intelligent atheist thing that I’ve ever seen.
    By which, I mean, this freaking sucks, man.
    Idiotic.
    You’re obviously a second, third, etc. generation atheist: You don’t actually seem to think like a normal atheist.
    “Sense of humor,” this is anything but.

  20. Written by Natanael
    on October 30, 2010 at 9:36 pm
    Reply · Permalink

    This is good, not George Carlin good, but definitely worth my time. Im not a religiouse person, but I do believe in God and this was really funny. I have answers to most atheism arguments, and would like to have a debate with someone, normally nobody is open to it. My email is sismetic_chaos@hotmail.com if any1 wants to argue with me. Cheers

  21. Written by StewDaDa
    on November 16, 2010 at 4:52 am
    Reply · Permalink

    this is a really good, humorous and punch-in-the-face answer to religious fools. but it would be nicer if theists know the real reason we don’t believe in god

  22. Written by Joanne Lee
    on March 22, 2011 at 6:16 pm
    Reply · Permalink

    You are pretty awesome, man!

  23. Written by Anonymous
    on July 13, 2011 at 11:57 pm
    Reply · Permalink

    im not sure whether u believe in god or not
    i think u deliberatelly mislead us
    please answer without mocking me
    please

  24. Written by Sarah
    on January 29, 2012 at 3:20 am
    Reply · Permalink

    Brilliant!

  25. Written by Anonymous
    on February 8, 2012 at 8:46 pm
    Reply · Permalink

    i don’t want you speaking for me.

  26. Written by E-MAN_siz
    on July 20, 2013 at 4:13 pm
    Reply · Permalink

    Hi,
    I will start a blog in Turkish soon. I’d like to use translation of this post, “Unexpurgated atheist FAQ”, with your permission of course. Please let me know if you permit or not. Thanks

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