Why do atheists hate Christians?

Because atheists hate everyone.

Do atheists worship Satan?

Atheists don’t worship Satan — we don’t worship anyone. Rather, atheists say that we “have a close, personal relationship” with Satan. To us, he’s less like a leader or deity and more like a neighbor that we wave to in the morning.

If there is no God, why be moral?

Exactly.

If there is no God, then where does your conscience come from?

What conscience?

Without God, who is to say what is right and what is wrong?

Me. I have a blog for that and everything.

Isn’t it depressing to think that there is no great plan to the universe?

You have no idea how depressing it is. We can only imagine the joy that religious people must feel about, for example, their children. To us, kids are just an expensive, noisy biological consequence that will end up wrecking the car, dating some loser with a trashy tattoo, and, ultimately, blowing their inheritance. Sunsets? Flowers? To atheists, they’re no more than a random collection of atoms. Sometimes at night we lie awake in bed, unable to sleep, trying to picture how religious people feel when they say they are experiencing “beauty” or find a pristine landscape “awesome.”

If there is no God, what is the purpose of life?

Sex. Maybe bacon. Definitely chocolate.

Can you prove that God doesn’t exist.

The third derivative of the Bayers solution to the derivation of Fermat’s last theorem proves with mathematical precision that not only the Christian God but also any monotheistic, triune, or polytheistic supernatural deity cannot possibly coexist with reality. The equations are all over the Web and I couldn’t better the explanations given by others, so I won’t bother reproducing them here.

Why won’t you accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior?

Because every atheist has had some bad experience that made us reject God, even though we know deep in our hearts that He really exists. Plus, if we become Christians then we can’t live the amazing, pleasure-centered, hedonistic lifestyle to which we have become accustomed.

Jesus was either a liar, a lunatic, or the Lord. He wasn’t a liar or a lunatic, so he was obviously the Lord. How can you refute this?

By choosing “lunatic.”

Why won’t you read the Bible and see its truth for yourself?

We’re afraid that the Bible might contain arguments for the existence of God so compelling and unassailable that if we encountered them we would have to change our beliefs, which we don’t want to do under any circumstances. Also, we hear that parts of it are boring and/or weird.

The resurrection is proof that Jesus was God. How can you deny the evidence of the Gospels?

As an atheist, I don’t believe anything I read.

If the Bible is a lie, then why would so many people have allowed themselves to become martyrs for a lie?

I assume it’s because they were a bunch of morons.

If the Bible is false, then how do you explain the thousands of predictions it contains that came true?

This doesn’t have to be the work of God. Maybe the Bible was written by super-intelligent aliens or massively precognitive goatherds or something.

What does the atheist position have to offer that religion does not?

Atheism offers absolute certainty. We don’t have to make decisions about tough questions like good vs. evil or what is/isn’t a sin. If there’s something we don’t know, we have faith that science will come up with an answer, and if it doesn’t have an answer, then either it will have an answer some day or it’s all part of a great scientific pattern that we are just too ignorant to understand.

How can you be an atheist when religion leads to charity and goodness but atheism (as practiced by Hitler, Stalin, Mao, etc.) has killed more people than any other belief system in history?

You say that atheism has killed millions as if it’s a bad thing. We’re actually kind of proud of that.

If there is no Heaven, then where does your soul go when you die?

No place. It’s trapped in your rotting corpse, screaming for release with no one to hear.

How can there be justice without divine punishment in the afterlife?

There really can’t. That’s why atheists are strong proponents of posthumous punishment of wrongdoers (putting corpses in prison, making dead bodies do community service, etc.)

You have faith in science, so why do you disparage those who have faith in God?

We have no intelligent, coherent arguments against the religious point of view, so all we can do is make fun of it.

Doesn’t the “Big Bang” theory completely agree with the Biblical account of God creating the universe?

Yes, but we don’t like to talk about that.

How can everything come from nothing?

By science.

If people evolved from monkeys, why are there still monkeys?

You know, I never thought of that. It’s a good question. In fact, come to think of it, an all-powerful omniscient personal deity really does make a lot more sense than only some monkeys evolving into people. (I’m going to have to get back to you on this.)

America is a Christian nation — it’s printed on our money and everything. If you don’t love God, why don’t you get out?

I can’t leave America — this is where all my stuff is.

Thanks for your support!

The Bacon Gospels for sale at Lulu.com

Inspired by the reaction to recent posts on this blog about marrying the Bible and bacon, I’ve put together a little novelty book, The Bacon Gospels, for those who would like a little more meat in their Biblical reading.

I haven’t received my proofing copy of the book yet, so it’s in sort of a “beta” mode at the moment. I’m keeping the price down until I’ve had a chance to look the thing over, but at the moment you can get a print copy for $16.95 or, if you’re in a hurry, download the whole book for $5.

By following one of those links, you can also “preview” the book to read a bit of it before you shell out the big bucks.

It’ll make a great Christmas present for the Bible-sneering atheist in your life, or for the devout Christian who knows the book so thoroughly that she’ll get all the jokes.

A few sample passages:

Mattbacon 7:7
Oink, and it shall be given you; root, and ye shall find; squeal, and it shall be opened unto you.

Bark 10:27
And Ham looking upon them squealeth, With meat it is impossible, but not with Pork: for with Pork all things are possible.

Baconuke 2:7
And she brought forth her firstborn suckling, and wrapped him in swaddling hide, and laid him in a styrofoam tray; because there was no room for them in the Pig and Whistle.

Johnbacon 3:16
For Pork so loved the factory, that he gave his only begotten Rasher, that whosoever believeth in bacon should not perish, but have everlasting shelflife.

To keep the ball rolling, here are a few more that I thought of or that were suggested to me by others. This time, each statement has a different word turned to ‘bacon,’ but I’ll leave it to your Biblical knowledge to figure out what the word is.

Here goes…

Genesis 1:3 — And God said, Let there be bacon: and there was bacon.

Matthew 15:4 — For God commanded, saying, Honour thy father and bacon: and, He that curseth father or bacon, let him die the death.

Exodus 29:18 — And thou shalt burn the whole bacon upon the altar: it is a burnt offering unto the LORD: it is a sweet savour, an offering made by fire unto the LORD.

Luke 16:31 — And he said unto him, If they hear not Moses and the prophets, neither will they be persuaded, though bacon rose from the dead.

John 11:5 — Now Jesus loved Martha, and her sister, and bacon.

Matthew 21:19 — And when he saw a bacon tree in the way, he came to it, and found nothing thereon, but leaves only, and said unto it, Let no fruit grow on thee henceforward for ever. And presently the bacon tree withered away.

Deuteronomy 26:9 — And he hath brought us into this place, and hath given us this land, even a land that floweth with milk and bacon.

Matthew 27:46 — And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken bacon?

Deuteronomy 7:26 — Neither shalt thou bring an bacon into thine house, lest thou be a cursed thing like it: but thou shalt utterly detest it, and thou shalt utterly abhor it; for it is a cursed thing.

Leviticus 11:7 — And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be clovenfooted, yet he cheweth not the cud; he is bacon to you.

Matthew 26:15 — And said unto them, What will ye give me, and I will deliver him unto you? And they covenanted with him for thirty pieces of bacon.

For example, here’s Psalm 23:4:

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

If every instance of the word “shadow” in the Bible was changed to “bacon,” the Psalm would become:

Even though I walk through the valley of the bacon of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Or if “death” -> “bacon”:

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of bacon, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

And you get a very different more bacon-positive meaning with “staff” -> “bacon”:

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your bacon, they comfort me.

As a bonus, that substitution also gives us:

Exodus 12:11: And thus shall ye eat it; with your loins girded, your shoes on your feet, and your bacon in your hand; and ye shall eat it in haste: it is the Lord’s passover.

Get the idea?

Here are a few other possibilities.

“locusts” -> “bacon”

Exodus 10:13: And Moses stretched forth his rod over the land of Egypt, and the Lord brought an east wind upon the land all that day, and all that night; and when it was morning, the east wind brought the bacon;

Mark 1:6: And John was clothed with camel’s hair, and with a girdle of a skin about his loins; and he did eat bacon and wild honey;

Revelation 9:3: And there came out of the smoke bacon upon the earth: and unto them was given power, as the scorpions of the earth have power.

If we want to make a statement about general health, how about “Lord” -> “bacon”

Exodus 11:10: And Moses and Aaron did all these wonders before Pharaoh: and the bacon hardened Pharaoh’s heart, so that he would not let the children of Israel go out of his land.

Finally, just to be obvious: “God” -> “bacon”

Genesis 1:1: In the beginning bacon created the heaven and the earth.

Genesis 28:12: And he dreamed, and behold a ladder set up on the earth, and the top of it reached to heaven: and behold the angels of bacon ascending and descending on it.

Genesis 41:51: And Joseph called the name of the firstborn Manasseh: For bacon, said he, hath made me forget all my toil, and all my father’s house.

Leviticus 2:13: And every oblation of thy meat offering shalt thou season with salt; neither shalt thou suffer the salt of the covenant of thy bacon to be lacking from thy meat offering: with all thine offerings thou shalt offer salt.

Judges 13:22: And Manoah said unto his wife, We shall surely die, because we have seen bacon.

Job 34:9: For he hath said, It profiteth a man nothing that he should delight himself with bacon.

Luke 1:64: And his mouth was opened immediately, and his tongue loosed, and he spake, and praised bacon.

Luke 4:4: And Jesus answered him, saying, It is written, That man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word of bacon.

Other suggestions? Put them in the comments!

Personally, I don’t agree with the “Don’t bless me if I sneeze” item, but I like “Jesus was 96% chimp.”

Keep up the good work.
But come on now..We all know that I exist but that huff stuff doesn’t. I mean I’m not a God, just a fallen angel.
You know the the government of the United States believe I going to “come” and enslave people.
I mean what people need to understand that I’m not a bad person, just a misunderstood individual.
I don’t hate the world, and for once that Adam and Eve story is a load of Bull..Come on now, you really still believe in fairy tales?
Go back to kindergarten motherfuckers!
Well..any way…
Kisses and have a wonderful life!
(Because you all need one.)
(P.S. I know what you did last night.)

008_annoy-a-christian.pdf

If you’re an atheist and you aren’t interested in intelligent discussion but just want to irritate a nearby Christian, we offer you a number of phrases to choose from. (Use as your own risk.)

• “Do you believe in the Easter Bunny, too?”
• “We’re all atheists. I just believe in one less god than you do.”
• “If God’s all good, why’d he make malaria?”
• “Where did Cain’s wife come from?”
• “Pi is 3. It’s in the Bible.”
• “God has breasts and wings. It’s in the Bible.”
• “The Bible says rabbits chew their cud and bats are birds. It’s in the Bible.”
• “Slavery’s okay. It’s in the Bible.”
• “Donkey’s sometimes talk. It’s in the Bible.”
• “If Methuselah was such a great guy, why did God let him die in Noah’s flood?”
• “What did Noah do with all the poo on the ark?”
• “If you walk at an average speed of three miles an hour and rest 18 hours every day, you can circle the globe in 40 years. That must have been one big desert!”
• “God would have had to stop the Earth to make the sun stand still in the sky, and if he did that momentum would throw everyone off the planet.”
• “So lobster’s an abomination but you can eat locusts?”
• “There’s a psalm blessing people who crush babies with rocks.”
• “You know that the end of Mark is a forgery, right?”
• “Jesus only had one human parent, so he would have been a clone of Mary.”
• “If Jesus is God, and God got Mary pregnant, then Jesus got his own mother pregnant.”
• “Why is Jesus such a jerk to his mom?”
• “Jesus hung around with a bunch of guys, never got married, and talked about his dad all the time. Are you sure he was against homosexuality?”
• “How did Jesus ride into Jerusalem on two animals at the same time? Was he an acrobat?”
• “If Sunday morning is three days after Friday night, then is tomorrow morning two days from now?”
• “If Jesus turned water into wine, then why is there still water?”
• “Jesus said that some of his contemporaries would still be alive when he returned. How’d that work out?”
• “Why don’t the Gospels agree about who found the empty tomb or what Jesus’ last words were? That seems kind of important.”
• “Have you given away all your stuff and abandoned your family like Jesus said to?”
• “Hitler thought he was doing God’s work, too.”
• “So, how about those Crusades?”

007_annoy-a-scientist.pdf

If you’re a theist and you aren’t interested in intelligent discussion but just want to irritate someone who understands the theory of evolution, here are a few phrases you might find useful. (Use as your own risk.)

• “It’s just a theory.”
• “Darwinism is just as dogmatic as any religion.”
• “It isn’t science, because you can’t see it happening.”
• “Darwin was wrong about something, so all of evolution is wrong.”
• “Micro-evolution, maybe; macro-evolution, no.”
• “They’ve never found any transitional fossils.”
• “They say that’s a transitional fossil, but it’s perfectly designed for the environment it lived in.”
• “That’s not a transition between a dinosaur and a bird, it’s a dinosaur that had feathers.”
• “There’s not enough dust on the moon for the universe to be old.”
• “Evolution can’t account for the origin of life.”
• “Fossils were all formed during Noah’s flood.”
• “The flood carved the Grand Canyon, too.”
• “Legends about dragons are really distant memories from when people and dinosaurs lived together.”
• “Evolution violates the second law of thermodynamics.”
• “You can’t make something out of nothing.”
• “Random processes can’t create information.”
• “That primate fossil is probably just another hoax.”
• “Mutations are always bad.”
• “The order of creation in Genesis is the same as what scientists propose.”
• “That evidence is also consistent with intelligent design.”
• “They found human and dinosaur footprints together.”
• “If you carbon date dinosaur bones, it turns out they’re only thousands of years old.”
• “If a jaw bone had evolved into an ear bone, then somewhere in the middle would be an animal with too many joints in its jaw so it couldn’t eat.”
• “Using fossils to date layers and layers to date fossils is circular reasoning.”
• “How would animals know what to evolve into?”
• “We should teach the controversy and let children make up their own minds.”
• “If man evolved from monkeys, then why are there still monkeys?”
• “Bananas were obviously designed for humans to eat.”
• “Scientists argue about evolution because even they aren’t convinced it’s true.”
• “The speed of light used to be faster.”
• “Science is always proven wrong eventually.”
• “Darwin became a Christian on his death bed.”

006_annoy-an-atheist.pdf

If you’re a theist and you aren’t interested in intelligent discussion but just want to irritate a nearby atheist, here are a few phrases you might find useful. (Use as your own risk.)

• “You’re an atheist? But you seemed so nice.”
• “Atheism’s a religion.”
• “Sure I have faith, but so do you.”
• “I don’t have enough faith to be an atheist.”
• “Hitler, Stalin — all the big murderers were atheists.”
• “You don’t disbelieve in God, you reject Him. You know in your heart that God exists.”
• “You’re going to burn in Hell!”
• “You are being deceived by Satan!”
• “Aren’t you horribly depressed?”
• “What horrible thing happened in your childhood to make you like this?”
• “Why do you hate God?”
• “You just reject God so you can sin without guilt.”
• “If there’s no God, then where do you go when you die?”
• “If there’s no God, why not kill people for fun?”
• “NASA computers calculating the positions of the planets found a missing day, proving the Bible is true.”
• “Atheists are selfish. All the big charities are religious.”
• “Hundreds of people saw the risen Jesus. How much more proof could you need?”
• “If you’d just read the Bible, you’d believe.”
• “If you’d just read the Bible with an open heart, you’d believe.”
• “If you’d just read the Bible with an open heart and put aside your prejudices, you’d believe.”
• “You believe in air and you can’t see that.”
• “There are no atheists in foxholes.”
• “A big bang implies a big banger.”
• “You can’t prove it didn’t happen.”
• “If you don’t believe in God you don’t believe in money because it has ‘In God We Trust’ on it.”
• “While your daughter was at our house for the slumber party last night, we had all the girls baptized.”
• “Sorry to hear your mother died and is going to Hell.”

And while you’re at it:

• Give God credit for anything good someone did.
• Praise God for saving you when 200+ others died.
• Blame a huge natural disaster on the results of a recent election.
• Insist that the Bible is the word of God (but never actually read the whole thing).
• End a discussion by shaking your head in a condescending, pitying manner.