Hello, my name is Stephanie. I am a sophomore in college, days shy of my 20th birthday. I found your website via StumbleUpon, and I wanted to write to you because I have really begun to have some conflict with my religion. I wasn’t really “raised” anything in articular, since religion was never present in my home. However, I did grow up in the Bible Belt of middle Georgia, and Christianity is big part of social life down here, so i did semi-frequent church services with my friends. I have always believed in God, but other hand that, I’ve never really been sure what to think. But I do know hat I don’t think our society has it right. I think that people are too concerned with religion to even try to think about what being a good person entails, and as a result, we have a serious lack of truly OOD people in this world.Now I say that this is a struggle for me for a couple of reasons. 1.) I would really like to know where my particular beliefs fit into the “religious” mold, and find people I can converse with about them without hearing that I’m going to Hell or a flat-out “there is no God”, and the discussion ending there. In short, I know what I believe (although I’m still coming into it in its entirety. College is about “discovering” yourself, after all, and this is a big part of it for me. 2.) My boyfriend of 7 months was raised a Presbyterian, and holds strongly to the beliefs that, after meeting his parents (particularly his mother) I am 98% sure are not completely his own and instead those of the people who raised him. This has caused some friction between us. He has a hard time thinking that I can consider myself a moral person who believes in God if I don’t see things his way, and I resent that.The point of this letter is to see if you have any advice you can give me. After reading some of your blog, you seemed to me a very intelligent, articulate person who can actually think clearly about things like this, and that is something I have been seeking out. Any words of wisdom or opinions about anything I’ve said will be read with an open mind and a lot of enthusiasm.Thank you for your patience!

I am very flattered that you chose to write to me about this. I am certainly happy to offer what help I can.

It’s hard to get into too many details because I’m not sure what particular points of religious philosophy you are concerned with, but I can offer you some general advice.

1. Religion (or the lack thereof) is important, but morality is even more important. I think you should concentrate on developing a consistent, rigorous morality just as much as you should concentrate on finding your religious comfort zone. As you say, not enough people really think about morality, and that’s a serious problem in the world today.
2. There’s nothing wrong with not knowing how you feel about religion for the time being. You are undergoing a period of discovery and that is an intellectually honest opinion.
3. Since you are on a mission of discovery, go ahead and ask your boyfriend to explain to you why he finds religion compelling. What is his biggest reason for being religious? See if you find this reason compelling, and if you don’t think about why you don’t.
4. Ask others whom you feel comfortable with about any religious topics you are unsure about. If a person is confidet in their philosophy, they should not be afraid of answering questions. On the other hand, if they are not confident, then perhaps they can join you n searching for answers.
5. Try my “2Q” method of testing philosophical ideas. When you are considering a bit of philosophical reasoning, assume for the moment that you agree with it and ask yourself “Does this philosophy contradict itself?” and “Would I condemn another person for reasoning as I do?” If the answer to either of these items is “yes,” then the philosophy is wrong.

I’m hoping that will do for a start. Please feel free to write to me if you have specific items you would like to discuss. I guarantee that I will not try to push you toward atheism. I am more interested in intellectual rigor than I am in “stamping out” religion.

from what i’ve read on here, you really are helpful. i stumbled into this site while searching for the correct definition of an atheist. i think i might be a “weak” atheist? to start off, i was raised in the church (my father was a deacon). like many young children who’ve been brought up in church, i hardly thought in depth about “God” and hardly measured religion’s relevance to my personal views. after i graduated high school, i started to pay more attention to the sermons every sunday. although many of the morals and lessons presented were, in my opinion, “benificial for people,” i was turned off by most of the church members. most of the christian that i’d meet at school seemed nice up until they came across a person with a different faith. at times, i was ashamed to say “i’m a christian” just because the majority of christians i knew were quick to judge, quick to gossip, and quick to contradict themselves with preaching their daily scripture and their lifestyle. i found it annoying, all the hypocrisy. and not too long ago did i finally examine myself on a religion spectrum. came out (as an atheist) to my sister and she was surprised but understanding. i doubt there is a “God,” but there isn’t proof, for me, that there isn’t one. i am currently reading the Bible just to understand Christianity better. i still don’t know how to tell my mother though, she drags me to church still, every sunday… that would make me a hypocrite too? going to church every sunday but not believing in a “God?” i’m stuck between a rock and a hard place… peace out!

I certainly try to be helpful. Thanks for noticing!

You do sound like a “weak” atheist (although I really dislike that term). I state my belief as “I see no compelling evidence for the existence of deities,” and I agree that there is no proof that deities don’t exist, so perhaps we are in the same boat.

I’m sure I don’t need to point out to you that the hypocrisies of the Christians in your life is not proof that Christianity is an incorrect philosophy. However, it sounds like this hypocrisy is what led you to examine the beliefs you were raised with so your atheism is the result of thought and research. This is excellent.

I also applaud your desire to read the Bible and understand Christianity better. If you want to further your learning after reading the Bible, I would recommend reading books on the Bible that are written from both a religious and a neutral or atheist perspective. I find that I learn more reading apologist literature (and listening to Christian podcasts) than I do from reading atheistic materials, because it challenges me to put my reasons for disagreeing into concrete terms (assuming I do disagree).

Finally getting to your question — are you a hypocrite because you go to church with your mother? Maybe, but I doubt it. If your mother is still able to “drag” you to church, then I assume you are a young person. This means that you do not have as much autonomy as you will when you are older. If you are going to church because you have no choice or because it will make your mother happy, then you are not a hypocrite. But I think that you are morally bound to try and turn this into a more “honest” situation — it is hard for an atheist to justify taking communion, for example, since it is a profession of faith (you might want to consider asking a priest what he thinks of this, perhaps in the context of the confessional where the priest is morally bound to keep your words in confidence).

How can you move forward? Since you are already going to church with your mother and reading the Bible, I would recommend using these as a springboard for discussion. Talk to your mother about the doubts you have about religion and see how she responds. Over time, she will see your doubt progress and she will probably realize that you are an atheist before you come right out and say it. But if she does not see it, or if you realize that she’s actively denying the implications of what you are saying, then when you do tell her you are an atheist she will at least be able to see that this is something you have been considering over time.

You will know better than I could, but in many situations it is far better for a parent to see their child slowly changing beliefs than it is for a parent to see a sudden change. When confronted by a what appears to be a sudden change, parents tend to look for someone to blame for your change rather than accept your beliefs. (And for what it’s worth, I’m a parent, so there’s no insult to your mother intended in any of this.)

There is nothing dishonest in any of this. You are still learning about religion and still firming your beliefs, so it is natural for you to share your doubts and thoughts with your mother. Odds are than she won’t change her overall religious view, but she may look for answers to the questions you bring up, and finding such answers can only increase her intellectual rigor.

By the way, my parents experienced my going through the process of moving from Catholic to atheist, and they eventually both became atheists. Of course, your mileage may vary .

I hope this has been of some help. Please feel free to write if you wish to discuss this, or other atheism- or moral-philosophy-related issues, further.

Please set me straight then. Because I just would rather not be here. I’m tired.

I know how this looks, re posting my own desperate pitiful comments for someone to notice, but I don’t care. I guess I need someone to notice. First let me make something clear, while I am depressed, and considering a way to disappear, which I have never considered more seriously than now, I would not want to give the wrong impression to the theists out there. My dispare has nothing to do with the fact that I do not believe in any religions god. I was raised Mormon, but I have come to my senses. It has been more than 4 yrs since I learned the Mormon church is not true and I could not be happier about it. After I was convinced of that, I looked deeper into religion in general and found that it is all manmade. Since then it seems I have been using this new quest for knowledge as a kind of distraction from my life, I have been on a constant search for more information. Now, I do not discount the possibility of some kind of creator, but I find it highly unlikely at this point in my research and I completely agree with evolution and science, it makes the most sense to me.

I will get back to the reason I posted in the first place. I have struggled with depression for about 10 yrs. I have tried numerous drugs and herbal remedies, I either had terrible side effects or they did nothing for me and I still suffer. I tried losing weight and exercising, lost 75 lbs and ate right and took vitamins and even went organic, this seemed like it was helping a little, but the bad days kept coming back. Before I became atheist, I would go through my bouts of wanting to disappear but believed I would have to remain in this world unless I died accidentally, I was taught that committing suicide would send me to an eternal hell of the same torture I was going through on earth. I was afraid of death and what punishment was waiting for me because of my ungrateful unhappiness. How could I be so unhappy when I had a loving family, kids and a home, it did not makes sense to me. Why could other people be fine and seem to cope when my world was secretly falling apart?

It was not fair. I still do not understand. I am tired. There is too much to do, to many people relying on me, I cant do it. Now that I know there is no hell, no eternal punishment or “outer darkness” as the Mormons like to call it, I am no longer afraid of death. This is at the same time liberating and scary to me because actually going through with it is now an option in my mind. I struggle with the thought of leaving behind my family knowing how terrible it would be for them, but I can also toss those worries aside knowing that I will cease to exist and be oblivious to it all. I know how selfish that sounds. I know how angry that will make most people to read, but they do not understand… I hurt, I hurt so deep down and immensely I can feel actual pain, it makes my stomach hurt, gives me headaches and muscle pain and I am not allowed to show it, I have to go on with my day to day life trying to smile for my kids and go to work like everything is ok, but its not. I don’t want to do it anymore, I don’t want to be responsible for everyone more, I don’t want this burden, I cant take it. Yes they will hurt, but they wouldn’t be the first people to have to deal with death and their lives will change but they will be ok. Some days are worse than others but even the good days aren’t that good. A person should not have to force themselves to fake enjoyment of the simple things like watching their kids play, or a good movie, or anything! Why do I not feel anything good? I find myself trying to think of a way to make it look like an accident so they would not think it was their fault, because it is not. I do not know if I will ever go through with it, but it is always in my thoughts. I hear it running through my mind, “I just want to disappear”.

Yours is the most starkly serious correspondence I’ve received through this site. I’m not a counselor or psychiatrist or any such thing, so I don’t know how much help I can be. All I can do is share my thoughts.

I guess the obvious thing to do would be to say that you should live because your dying would harm those around you. But that would just be putting more responsibility on your shoulders, wouldn’t it? So let’s just think about you for the moment.

You’re right that you shouldn’t have to pretend to be happy. Hiding your real feelings will eat at you and only make things worse — I assume you’ve already discovered this. So don’t hide it. Don’t pretend. I don’t mean that you should lose control, but don’t put on a play for the benefit of your family. Let it out. Let them help. Do things for you. Do what you want. Get what you need. And make your family part of the process. If there is no God then all we have is each other. You’ve got to use what you have.

And you can do more. You’re not the only person who feels like you do. Maybe, by moving forward, you could help some of these others. Writing to me, letting me put your feelings on my blog, may be a step in that direction.

Your writing is excellent; you convey your feelings well in print. Could you do more of that? Could you blog anonymously about your feelings; let things out through a keyboard? Don’t ask for comments. Don’t pay attention to how much you are read. Just put it all down. Show the world that you can survive in the face of this seemingly insurmountable obstacle. At some point in time you will be read by someone — or many someones — who feel that they are alone, and you may inspire them to push through or get help. You may even be able to warn them away from dark paths that you have taken and treatments you found ineffective. You will make the world a better place.

If not a blog, then what about some kind of group counseling? Or online forums? Or even letters to the newspaper? Share what you have. Use what you have. Help others while helping yourself. But keep in mind that, when you get right down to it, this is about making you feel better.

Remember this: you are the only “you” that there is. Nobody could ever take your place. When you are gone, there will be a hole left behind, and it is up to you to decide what that hole will be filled with. You could leave it unfilled, a gap in the world, an empty thing. Or you could leave it filled with light, something that will brighten the world around it for years to come. I guarantee that suicide, no matter how well planned, can leave nothing but emptiness behind.

[Personal note deleted for blog posting]

I’ll be thinking about you.

Hello. I guess you could say that I am a recovering protestant. I spent most of my childhood going to church and not really believing any of it. Now that I’m off to college, I feel more free to think about my religious doubt, and to research information on both sides of the table, so to speak.

This is all well and good, but I still haven’t told my parents. I think that my father will be okay with my decision to forgo any kind of faith, but my mother will no doubt be horribly upset. I love both my parents and I don’t want to bring any kind of heartbreak on them, but I simply won’t feel comfortable living a lie around them. Our family policy (other than santa and the easter bunny) has always been to value honesty.

So my problem is this: how can I “break it to them” as easily as possible? Also, since my mother will no doubt reject any kind of rational argument and instead suggest I go read my bible, how can I… well, not force her to have a discussion with me, but sort of coerce her to speak rationally with me?

Thank you for any response you can give me.

This is a very difficult question, and there is no one right answer. I’d guess that, in your situation, something gradual might be better than “let’s sit down and talk about religion for a minute.”

What would you think of sharing some of your philosophical journey with your parents? Bring up your religious doubts, see what kind of response they give. If they can see more of the path you have been walking, they may feel better about where you arrived than they would if you just told them how the story ends. You don’t want your parents thinking you made a sudden change, because that may lead them to think that some single thing happened that made you change your mind (like a bad experience or an anti-religion influence at college).

Whatever you do, it’s important that your parents know that you have not turned your back on them or on any friends you have from Church, and that you are still the moral, caring boy they raised.

Just FYI, what I have described here is much the tact I took with my parents. They’re both atheists now. Obviously, that isn’t going to happen in every family, but even before my parents gave up religion, they were comfortable with my philosophical choice because they understood that it was carefully considered.

I hope this has been of some help.

hahahaha. honestly, you’re friggin awesome, man. as an athiest myself it makes me delighted to see that you are allowing intellegent conversation to flow between all religious viewing peoples. maybe this world ain’t dead afterall.

my mum is a christian and she knows i’m agnostic. but it still doesnt stop her from making me uncomfortable w/ her jesus-talk. i try to confront her about it, but it rarely works.

oh well. i’ll take comfort in the fact that i get to choose her retirement home. and that i will be happily married to the women of my dreams in a matter of years.

you. me. coffee sometime, we’ll chat it up. it’ll be hot.

( dude, totaly jk. i love you though. you win. at life )

WALLAH!

OH AND I HAVE A QUESTION.

would you be a monkey with a tail, knowing that the other monkies would bite it?

…

yeeeah, i would too.

Thanks for the nice note!

Regarding your mother, I would suggest that you do what you can to not let her religious talk get to you. As a Christian, she may be worried that you’ll be damned for eternity, so any religious pushiness on her part may just be a sign that she loves and is deeply concerned for you. Unless she’s really getting on your nerves, I wouldn’t worry about confronting her about it. And even in that case, I’d say the best thing you could probably do is live a life demonstrating that you can be moral, tolerant, and good without religion. Depending on your mother’s specific religious beliefs, you might consider asking her if God would condemn you for doing what you think is right.

As for the monkey question — if I have a tail, I have a tail. That other monkeys hate it doesn’t change the truth of the matter.

I have an actual useful question now actually. During the past few months I have been becoming increasingly interested in religion, spirituality, atheism etc. and have been trying to work out where I stand in it all (which is how I came across Joseph Campbell). Anyway as my university term has now finished I have a lot more free time to devote to this. Any advice, recommendations etc?

Thanks, keep up with the great site

My advice: read everything — particularly things you think you’ll disagree with.

I have been raised as a Mormon for 17 years. And only in the past two have I come to reject it. At first it was not conciously done, now I am fully athiest. This has led to inevitable conflict with my family, especially since I still have to go to church and keep up the appearence of correct standards. I feel like I am being suffocated and know that I am greatly to blame. It will be awhile before I move out, and I want to know how I can make this situation more livable. So here I am spilling my guts like this simply because I am unable to do so at home. Yep.

You say that you have conflict with your family, so I assume they know about your feelings. This is a tough situation. I hope I can be of some help.

To start off, when you say that you “reject” Mormonism, what exactly do you mean? Do you mean that you realize that its religious base is untrue, or that you reject all aspects of the culture you were brought up with? This is a very important distinction.

It is completely possible to reject a religion without rejecting your culture. There are people who are ethnically Jewish but atheists and who continue to go to temple because the ceremony is an important part of their culture. I am an atheist, but I was not born an atheist (my spouse is a former Mormon, by the way), and my family still celebrates Christmas and Easter in a secular way because we see no need to throw out traditions that we love just because they are rooted in mythology.

So, as an atheist, you might make a choice to be sort of “culturally Mormon” while living with your family. The important thing, though, is that you not feel like you are living a lie. Don’t make a secret of your feelings. You might even want to talk to a bishop or other LDS official about this and ask if they see any problem with you attending services with your family even though you no longer consider yourself to be philosophically Mormon. The few Mormon officials I’ve had a chance to speak with have been pretty reasonable, and I would be surprised if you ran into a “say you believe or get out” attitude. If you and a church official can come to some sort of an understanding, it might help your family accept your status and it will stop you from having to pretend you’re not an atheist.

If you more completely reject Mormonism and want nothing to do with it, your situation is much more difficult. You may want to continue going to services with your family in order to avoid difficulties, but that feeling of living a lie isn’t going to go away. Let me know if this is your situation and we can look into it in more detail.

No matter what you do, don’t let yourself fall into the “bad atheist” trap of being confrontational about religion, particularly with those you care about. I have seen atheists who make a show of not being quiet while others are saying a blessing before a meal or rolling their eyes when someone talks about something religious. Such things get you marked as unpleasant and rude, and there is no reason an atheist needs to be either, even when surrounded by religious people.

Also, don’t be down on yourself just because you don’t agree with those around you. You talk about “keeping up the appearance of correct standards.” The fact is, if you’re a moral person, you do have correct standards. Keeping up the appearance of being religious has nothing to do with appearing “correct” and everything to do with not appearing different.

Being different from those around you, particularly from your family, is always difficult. Your family may have a very bad reaction to your atheism. You can try and lessen this reaction by showing them that you can still be a completely moral person as an atheist, and that you are not rejecting them even though you don’t agree with their opinion on religion. Tell them that this isn’t about something they did or something you’re mad at the church about — it’s a thoughtfully considered opinion, held without rancor, and one that you’re happy to talk about in a reasonable manner. If you’ve got siblings or relatives or are going to try and bait you or make fun of you, don’t let them get to you. They’re trying to show that there’s something shameful about being an atheist, when you and I know that there is nothing wrong with it at all. Don’t fall to their level. If you are reasonable, polite, and tolerant of others, those who attack your beliefs are the ones that will come across as problematic, not you.

And if all else fails, if your family refuses to be reasonable, at least you’re old enough that you can look ahead to being on your own. Don’t do anything rash or make big decisions on the spur of the moment, but plan carefully.

You might also want to look for atheist resources in your area or online. There are plenty of us out there, and we’re happy to help.

Let me know if there is something about your situation that I haven’t touched on or if there is anything else you would like to chat about. Remember that I always post my correspondence to my blog, and that our discussion might be helpful to many atheists out there who are in your position but too shy to write.

I am a sophomore in high school, and I have been atheist since around sixth or seventh grade, although I didnt really understand why. I guess it seemed to be the intellectual belief, and to be honest, I’m an intellectual person. My arguments basically consisted of “There are many things more likely than the existance of god.” But recently I’ve gone over my beliefs again, and I find that I very much agree with the author of this website, both in terms of what I believe and how an atheist should deal with all types of theists. Your arguments, and the response to each comment, are all carefully thought out and presented in a mature way, and because of this I think that you are doing a very good job of giving atheists a more positive image.

The religion I grew up with was Judaism, which I think (from what I know about the religions of the world) is probably one of the most open-minded modern religions in that it encourages everyone to actually question their beliefs and identity, which I always had a lot of respect for. I am also involved in a Jewish youth group at my synagogue. At conventions for the youth group, when the subject of god comes up, and I explain that I don’t believe in god, the first question asked to me, every time, is “Well if you don’t believe in god then why are you here?” Although not always said in an accusing tone, this question makes me feel a little out of place. I’m a member of my youth group because it’s a great social experience, not because I believe in all of what Judaism has to say.

Also, although i don’t believe in the theological ideas of Judaism, I agree with many of the social ideas, like the second half of the Ten Commandments, as long as the sole reason behind them isn’t “only god knows why.” (for instance, keeping kosher). In addition, I sometimes feel that religion is important in terms of a close family, so I go to synagogue with my parents every saturday when they ask me to go.

I sometimes feel that I’m being hypocritical when I get involved with Judaism, although I don’t believe in god. I honestly believe that I couldn’t marry a religious non-jew because I identify with Judaism so well. But I guess what I’m asking is, How can I make myself feel more comfortable identifying with and participating in Judaism, even though I don’t really believe in it?

Thanks for your help, and I honestly think that you give atheists a much better name than most outspoken ones.

Your letter makes me very sorry that I had to be away from this site for so long. I wish I could have answered you more promptly.

No matter how you feel about God, you are Jewish by birth and by culture. It is a part of you, your family, and your community. There’s nothing wrong with that. Being an atheist doesn’t mean having to give up your culture or change your friends. It also doesn’t mean you have to reject the good things that religion has to offer.

As much as it annoys some atheists, I celebrate Christmas. I don’t put a star on the tree, I don’t go to church, and I don’t have a crèche, but I do practice the traditions I was brought up with. I go to the weddings and funerals of friends even when they are held in churches and synagogues. When I’m having a hard time and a Christian friend says she’ll pray for me, I thank her. None of this is an endorsement of religion, but a validation of my needs and the needs of my loved ones.

I’d say that so long as you are not being deceptive about who you are and what you believe, that there is no hypocracy in what you are doing.

Best of luck.

To be honest, I think I was always an atheist deep down, but I deluded myself about it for years.

I was raised in that hazy quasi-christian way that most Americans seem to be, in that we celebrated the Christian holidays but were more or less secular. My father made us observe Lent, but he was agnostic. He just thought it was a healthy thing to do. My mother was an “atheist who hated god” (paraphrasing her own words- I’m aware of the contradiction.) She told her kids that we should believe, but not tell her to believe. As you can imagine, this lack of coherent discourse on religion left me searching, even from a very young age. I distinctly remember thinking about things like the origin of time when I was four years old, in my sesame street pajamas. I asked questions about god all the time.

Most of my religious education up until adolescence came from my grandmother, a fairly liberal Catholic. She was and still is more spiritual than dogmatic, although she was raised during the Depression by strict parents and went to Catholic school, which left its mark in some of her habits. Anyway, she basically taught me 1) God loves you (and so does Mary) 2) good people go to heaven, bad people go to hell 3) you should pray and go to church because it’s good for you and “the spirit world” will help you and 4) someday we’ll all be together in heaven.

As I got older, though, Grammy’s answers to my questions were no longer satisfactory. In looking for better answers, I went to several different churches with several different people over the course of ten years or so- junior high through college.

I believe that by my junior/senior year of college, I’d decided I was firmly Christian. I had gotten into countless passionate discussions about the origin of evil, heated debates about literal vs figurative interpretation of the bible, and structured arguments about suffering, especially nonbelievers going to hell. In the end, though, I felt genuine comfort, and told people that I was spiritual. I prayed nightly, I read the bible (although admittedly, not very astutely- I browsed it- I felt my faith and prayer were strong). I went to a church that I liked; it made me feel good. Somehow, looking back, I feel I tricked myself into believing.

It took a catastrophic event to strip all my illusions away. This event was four years ago almost to the day- September 6th, 2002. Let me go back a few days before that, though. My mother, deeply wounded by her concepts of god and faith, had always – ALWAYS – told me to keep my religious beliefs to myself. She hated hearing about them. She hated the church. But, my belief was that I had to “save” my mother from hell. I wasn’t quite convinced she’d go to hell just for not believing, but looking at the “facts” as presented to me by Christian doctrine, I feared for the possibility. It took a lot of slow, careful prodding, but I finally found an opportunity when she said she’d been wearing a Catholic saint charm necklace and had had good luck ever since. And it’s true, our lives were getting better. I had just days ago passed my nursing exams (praying about them, listening to uplifting Christian music etc in the meantime) and she had just sold our house. My middle brother had just started college. After a lifetime of poverty, our lives were looking up.

I gently, carefully suggested that maybe we could go to church that weekend, to say thanks to god for how well things were going. I reasoned that maybe all our bad luck was finally behind us.

My mother, much to my surprise, was quiet for a minute and said “maybe I will. But no promises.”

Please understand, this was the most open she’d ever been to anything having to do with religion in my entire life. Aside from occasional superstitous behavior, I mean.

Well, on September 6th, she and my brother Jesse- the one who’d just started college- died in a car accident. This was before we ever got to church or anything. Jesse had never even been to church in his life as far as I’m aware.

Naturally, I prayed (a lot) when this first happened. But the very first words out of my mouth when I heard the news were “you can’t do this to me” – directed, inexplicably, at god.

Despite that, for the first couple of days I felt that god “carried” me through it. But my brother, who was a professed agnostic who leaned towards belief in a lot of different gods, was lying brain dead while literally thousands of people prayed for him. We performed, at Grammy’s request, the sacrament of the sick. I watched, knowing with absolute clinical certainty that he was dead, as my family hoped for a miracle. I was the only one who really knew he was gone. I knew from the first day, and it was me who explained things to my father. We made the decision together to remove him from life support. The funeral went by and the shock wore off and with it went the feeling of invincibility, the feeling of being almost wrapped in a protective cocoon, that I had ascribed to God’s grace.

Suddenly, “god’s grace” was nowhere. I can’t even begin to describe what it felt like; a friend of mine, trying to reassure me, said that Job felt the same way, that God was testing me, and that even Jesus had cried out about being forsaken- but he wasn’t. This friend told me this was my gethsemane.

As for the gory details, I prayed, I read the bible, I screamed at god, I threw the bible across the room. I talked to priests and friends who were in seminary. They actually made it worse. I retreived my mother’s lost pendant, the one she’d been looking for days before the accident, and wore it. I threw that across the room too. I felt like I was losing my mind. I went to church and while everyone around me prayed, I had to supress somewhat crazy laughter. I felt that god was real, and was my enemy. I blasphemed like nobody’s business; I told god in no uncertain terms how much I hated him, with lots of elaborate cursing thrown in, and told him I’d rather go to hell than be with someone who would create such a painful reality. I told him that if my mother and brother were in hell just for not believing, then I would go to hell with them. I said “get out of my life, get out of my heart, and stay away. I don’t need you and I don’t want you. I hate you with every fibre of my bei ng and if there were a way to kill you, I would do it.” I don’t think you can get much more blasphemous than that.

Fortunately, this volatile phase eventually passed as well. I got counseling; I needed it. I started exercising and eating better (after losing an unhealthy amount of weight). Lots of other things happened in my life, and I read books about physics, philosophy, eastern religion, etc. I talked to my best friend, a devout christian who remains my best friend today. She still prays for me, but she’s afraid to talk to me about religion because she can’t answer my questions and I think it gets too painful for her. She asked me to read books by C.S. Lewis and things, and I did. She gave up after a while, and will only say “it’s never too late to change you mind.” She’s respectful and supportive, but we cant discuss the issue in any kind of detail. It’s just too much.

I began to uncover what, for me, was a profound truth. Between physics and taoism, I began to feel that I was asking all the wrong questions. The question wasn’t “why.” The questions were “why not?” and “why ask why?” Furthermore I began to realize there didn’t need to be a reason for anything. Most of my belief had been based on the sense that there must be some origin, some reason, some force behind existence. And a little bit on Pascal’s wager, when I’m honest with myself. But during two years of sleepless nights spent reading mind-bending quantum physics and philosophy that I hardly understood, I began to let go of my need to blame some imaginary man in the sky for what had happened. I found I’d long ago lost the need for imaginary comfort, for answers to the unexplained. I’d become incredibly self-reliant. My life was no easier or more difficult for lack of prayer. I gradually saw the humor and futility in it, and I just realized… there is no god. There’s no heaven, no hell, no afterlife, no spirit world, and no point in forcing yourself to believe in it all. It was an epiphany in the truest sense of the word.

I guess I’m a ’soft’ atheist because I admit the (very slim) possibility that god exists. But I maintain my original assertion from 2002: if there is a god, and he has condemned my mother and brother- who were good people- to hell, then I would refuse heaven even if I still warrant the choice. If god turned out to be real, my anger with him would return, and I wouldnt want to spend eternity with a god who would send good people to suffer torture forever. I would rather be in hell where my family was, even if it was the literal place of fire, darkness, stench and agony. Fortunately, the evidence in favor of hell’s non-existence is strong enough that I see no need to worry.

It took so much anguish before I came to this conclusion that seems so obvious to me now. I’ve found more peace in the lack of god then I ever did back in the days when I thought I was “spiritual.” I’m a stronger person than I ever was, and my life is in much better shape. I’m rational, my emotions are no longer out of control, and I take care of myself – knowing I’m the only one who can.

To be honest, I do feel some lingering animosity towards Christians. I know it’s not a good thing, but I can’t seem to help it. Most of the outspoken Christians I encounter are bigoted and pushy fundamentalists. Even from the ones who aren’t, I get all the “but you HAVE to believe in something!” and “you gotta get yourself back to church” crap you can imagine. I keep telling myself that they’re not all bad, and in fact I know tons of people who are religious (like my Grammy and my best friend) who are wonderful people. I sometimes think “religious people are stupid” despite knowing that’s not true either. I know people with PhDs and IQs in the 150s and higher who believe in God. I don’t honestly think I’m smarter than them. I’m just frustrated because I feel I’ve discovered, through immense pain, an immutable and liberating truth. I wish my best friend would realize what I have, although without having to go through what I did. When I look at her, and her life, it seems to me that religion causes her more doubt and confusion than comfort or guidance. I wish she could be free of it- I wish everyone could.

Since all this happened I’ve also been to Iraq, and now more than ever I feel that religion is one of the biggest causes of voilence and hate in the world. Then I have to admit that I understand why. It hurts to have your beliefs challenged. It hurts when people can’t see your point of view when you feel it’s both true and important. Obviously, trying to force atheism or agnosticism onto others is no better a solution than crusading and jihaading against them.

I wish everyone were an atheist, sometimes. But rationally I know that wouldn’t solve the world’s problems, and that it wouldn’t really be good for everyone. Some people are scared of the idea of nothingness after death, of randomness in the universe, of not knowing the answers. Some people need the comfort of their faith. Those people need their belief to make them feel that all is right with the world.

I don’t know if I have a point to make or not. I just wanted to share my story. Thanks for creating this site, I really do appreciate your positive approach to the subject and the effort you’ve put into it.

I am very, very flattered that you chose to share your story. It is powerful and makes many important points. As I read it, I thought of a great many things I’d like to say about what you went through and the people you describe, but I think I’ll just let your words speak for themselves. Everything worth saying is there.

I saw of your recent conversations with the man who s girlfriend was a Christian and he believed he was an agnostic. It got me thinking. I have a somewhat similar situation. At least from the relational perspective.

My wife and I were married last year. We are very much in love and I cannot imagine my live without her. When we met one of the first things I did was tell her that I wasn’t a Christian. During that time I wasn’t sure what I was. I had been raised in a Catholic family. It was fairly conservative as Catholics go but I had a pretty good education at a Catholic high school an some of the more archaic believes were no longer being taught. They were hard-line on things like abortion, euthanasia, no women priests, etc but also taught that while they believed the bible contained inherent truth that many of the stories in the Old Testament were not meant to be taken literally. I appreciated this very much. I did believe in God and in Catholic teachings and this willingness to acknowledge that some of the old miracle stories were not literal made a lot of sense to me.

During my time in college I continued to attend church every Sunday but this was an extremely progressive Catholic church. They encouraged me to think outside the box and be accepting of other religions and faiths. These new teachings coupled with my philosophy courses pushed me toward agnostism. I realized that his existence wasn’t scientifically justifiable so all I had was faith and quite frankly that just wasn’t enough for me.

Since that time I’ve found that I am very happy with my life and do not feel like I’m missing anything by not believing in God. But back to reason I’m writing you. Like I said, I told my soon to be wife when we met that I wasn’t Christian/Catholic. I felt it was important to reveal that to her right away because I knew she came from a Catholic family like mine. Well we jumped in with both feet and are happily married. But that doesn’t stop me from worrying about how our differences will affect us later. She says that she does believe in God and the Christian belief that Jesus is the son of God. But she is also fairly progressive. She doesn’t believe that Catholics are 100% right and all the (insert your religion of choice) are wrong. In fact the only groups that do bug her are the extremists from any religion who shout that they re right and everyone else will burn or suffer or whatever because they don’t believe in the right god.

She s never said she wanted to convert me back to being Catholic or forced me to attend church with her. She asks me to go with her and most of the time I do because it doesn’t really bother me and I know she appreciates having me there with her. And probably in her heart she wishes I did believe. But (and here’s the part that gives me pause) we don’t talk about it. I will occasionally broach the subject. Just trying to see why she believes or whatever. I try to be delicate with it. I don’t want to strip her of something that does make her feel good inside or give her life direction. But I guess part of me expects that if she tried to vocalize why she believed it more often then it would cause her to think about it and maybe start asking herself those questions. But she usually avoids the subject. She doesn’t like to bring it up or talk about it because I think it makes her uncomfortable and she doesn’t like to make waves.

What bothers me is that one day we may have children. If we choose to have children then we’ll reach a point where we HAVE to talk about it. The question will come up about where to send them to school? Do they attend just Catholic church, do we expose them to multiple faiths, or expose them to none? I personally want my children to be free to decide for themselves. But of course children at a very young age don’t have the cognitive skill to make those choices. I’m afraid that sending them to a Catholic school will imprint on them while they are impressionable and that will be that. Could I undermine what they learn in school? Of course I could but that would probably just confuse them more and make my wife unhappy.

I could go ON AND ON about how having children will complicate things but the root of all of it right now is that we don’t talk about or differences. I don’t know if I’m seeking your advice or just venting. But it does worry me. Because I do love her so much I don’t want this to become a problem. I know every marriage has problems of varying degrees but as always, issues of religion tend to have their own especially high level of complexity. It’s not a regular argument over where to live or what car to buy. It’s an issue that’s deeply tied to who people are and they will fight to protect and may be deeply hurt of you take it from them.

I’ll stop now because I could go on and on but I think I’ve said all that needs to be said for you to get my drift. Lastly I want to thank you for putting together your website. I do appreciate that you always give respect where it deserved and that you can carry on civil debate and conversations with theists and atheists alike.

I am flattered that you chose to write to me about this very personal subject, and I will offer what advice and support I can. I think you are absolutely correct to want to work this out with your wife now, before children are on the scene and the issue is forced. I also would like to complement you on your attitude toward your wife’s beliefs — you are supportive and realize that she may have different needs than you do, which is something some atheists and agnostics have a hard time doing.

Obviously you need to discuss religion with your wife, but this is difficult because she is uncomfortable with the subject. Is it possible that she thinks you think less of her for being religious? Many non-religious people have a condescending attitude toward religious people, so it’s important that your wife know you are not like that.

If you have read some of my past conversations, you may have noticed that I believe some people have an emotional need for religion and that I don’t condemn them for this. You seem to think along the same lines. So I’d say that the first thing you need to do, if you haven’t already, is make sure that you wife knows you understand that the two of you have different emotional needs in this area and that there’s nothing wrong with that. Fortunately, because your wife is Catholic, she does not believe that you will be sent to damnation for not being a Christian, so you don’t have to worry about her fearing for your soul (assuming that you’re living a moral life, of course ).

I think it’s nice that you go to church with your wife if it makes her happy. I see no reason not to continue to do this. There is a sticky point, though, about whether or not you should receive communion. You did not bring up this subject, but as a non-Catholic I do not believe that you should receive communion. If there is any doubt on this subject, your wife should speak with her priest about it.

The reason the communion point is important is that you want to make sure your wife isn’t basing her future on the hope that you will return to Catholicism. By the same token, I don’t think you should worry about whether your wife will some day lose the need for God. You guys can live happily with the beliefs you have right now. If those beliefs change, fine. If the don’t, fine. There is nothing insurmountable here.

But what about when you have children?

That’s a tough one, but I don’t think it’s as tough as you might think. I think the key thing here is that your children understand that Mommy and Daddy have a difference of opinion, that the difference is based on how you feel (as opposed to on objective proof of whether God exists), and that you all love each other anyway. Your wife can help your children learn about Catholicism, and you both can help them learn about asking questions and thinking rationally. I’d say, don’t worry so much about trying to “undo” any learning, just make sure your kids have the tools to undo it themselves when they get older, if necessary.

I wouldn’t worry too much about Catholic school. Choose a school that is best for your child from an education standpoint and help your child see religious education from both your and your wife’s perspective. There’s actually plenty of important cultural information in religion, so there can be a benefit to learning such things even for an atheist. I also think that knowing a bit about religion can make a person a better (or, at least, more tolerant) atheist.

Now, I will hasten to point out that there are plenty of atheists who are going to disagree with me on all of this. They will see the difference of religion as a war to be won through your children. They will see it as evil to give children religious education. I don’t see how a marriage can be anything but a time bomb with that kind of thinking. Don’t go there.

I also should point out that I would feel very differently if you were an atheist or agnostic and your wife was a fundamentalist Christian. There is a big difference between fundamentalism and Catholicism. Modern Catholicism actually gives a lot of leeway for freedom of thought and doesn’t condemn people for asking questions. Those are both factors in your favor.

So, to sum up: You love each other. Talk it over. It’s not a war. Nobody has to change to make things work.

I hope some of this has been useful to you. Please feel free to write again if the mood strikes you.